If I Told You , You Wouldn’t Believe Me

There was a distinct possibility that a cold front could come through and wipe out all the fall leaves up in the mounatins soon, so Jack and I packed a lunch and headed out at 6AM to see what we could see. OMG! Sooooooooooooo pretty!

We took Highway 24 up to Co 67 to Victor then down a dirt road clear back to Colorado Springs. We stopped for a picnic near this lake (private property but we were up on the road so no worries).

A few other sights:

I feel like crap today…got to be my stupid period

Still waiting on news for mom’s Memorial service. I keep missing Shane’s phone calls and anyway, what I  hear from Judy is that no solid plans have been made. The problem lies with finding a suitable place that will be big enough. Mom didn’t want a traditional funeral service and we can’t justify paying $600 to a funeral home for a couple of hours…that’s no coffin  or anything…just to “rent” their rooms. I promise I’ll let you know the wheres and whens as soon as I know them.

Here are the flowers I got from my internet friends as well as my friends here in Colorado Springs:

I am freecycling Mary’s clothes today. A man has asked for the size mediums for his mother and another lady is taking the smaller ones. I kept all the Illini shirts and sweatshirt as well as some of the larger shirts.

I’d like to take this chance to lighten the mood here after the sad week I just had…I submit for your viewing pleasure…The Magic Paper Towel…a video I did especially for Christina after I got my (now broken) camera.

I’m sorry to tell you all but my mom passed away yesterday here at my house at 3:07 PM MST. I was with her as were three of my friends from the Kingdom Hall. She went peacefully and isn’t that what we all hope for?

I got to stay up playing my guitar and singing to her until 11:30 PM the night before. With the way she was breathing I really didn’t think she’d make it through the night. I was giving her the morphine as directed every hour. The next morning I asked Jack if she was still alive…yep, no change.

I knew the nurses were coming so I didn’t panic until they actually showed up…she had soiled herself again and at first they thought she was bleeding. After they cleaned her up they insisted I call someone. They placed a call to the office and I heard them say “Send the chaplain”. I hurried and called my own support group, Bro Norval and Sr Vera Clark and Sr Vickie Coletta. They were here within minutes and we all cried together then Norval said a prayer and we set about comforting each other and talking to mom.

We were all in the room when mom passed. Bobby Darrin’s Lazy River was playing on the radio. It was hard yet somehow not near as hard as I had imagined. She didn’t make a sound, just stopped breathing. I called the Pikes Peak Hospice and they sent the nurse to pronounce. She told me I had given mom a great gift in letting her die at home surrounded by love. I guess even when people intend on that happening it rarely ends up that way. I’m sad but I’m glad it’s over.

She’s at the mortuary now. Jack and I will bring her ashes back to Illinois for burial next month. I’ll post the plans on here for those of you who would like to attend the service. Thanks for being with me through this rough time. I love you.

I just had two RNs and the PAC Dr from hospice here. They gave me new instructions on caring for mom.

I am to continue the steroids because she could go in to withdrawals if we stop them. I have to crush them between two spoons, add a little water and put it in a syringe and put it in a certain place in her mouth. No other meds at all except liquid morphine if she is having labored breathing or is in pain. She never complained of pain so they told me to watch for signs like grimacing or moaning. However she made not a sound when they turned her to check her butt and then put the dreaded catheter in.

The DR or PAC or whatever she is (Denny Price is a PAC and I trust him with my life so it’s all good) took me aside and told me that it was a gift from God that mom has no apparent pain and is as peaceful as she is. When cancer gets in the brain it can cause wild things to happen to people; violent behavior, thrashing around, so on. She assured me that mom will go peacefully. She did tell me mom was having petite mal seizures and not to worry unless they became pronounced and then I was to call for instructions on another medicine to administer.

Yes, she can hear. I sang some more to her and Judy talked to her on the phone again. The blues station is still playing. Law and Order SVU comes on soon. NO, I don’t want the counselor or chaplain here…they just make it worse for me. I’d rather face it by myself, thank you very much. No, I ain’t answering the phone so don’t call. (Judy and Shane are the exceptions here)

How much longer? Could be hours, could be days. They gave me more signs to look for, like in that stupid stupid book I got last week. Once again today I heard “Did you get the blue book?” ” YES….. I got the damn thing!” I hate that book, although I guess it’s good information to have. I was going to send it to Judy but I think I’ll have me a good old fashioned book burning when then fire danger goes down a  bit here.

Cheryl called me Sunday (or Monday, my days are running together again) and told me Jimmy and Peg had attended a ceremony to honor past Illini basketball legends at the Assembly Hall Saturday and that they were replaying the game Tuesday night on the Big Ten Network. I hurried and programmed it in on mom’s TV so I wouldn’t forget.

It auto-tuned at 5:30 last night to the game. The 1989 dream team played the 2004-2005 dream team (The youngsters won) I don’t know if mom caught any of it but I had it turned way up so she could hear it at least.

She’s mainly unresponsive still. I keep her diaper and bandage changed and try to turn her slightly every now and then to keep her off her butt. She takes ice chips and some applesauce with her pain meds and that’s about it now. I cut one of her t shirts up the back to slip on her so she wouldn’t have to lie there naked and I wouldn’t have to wrestle things over her head.

I had to get Dakota to help me change her yesterday. Life lesson the hard way, huh? Jack helped me this morning. She’s just to awkward for me to do it correctly on my own. I can change the diaper fairly easily if she’s laying right but it helps to have someone hold her. Ugh… I don’t understand how she’s putting off this much urine with the little amount of liquid she takes in. The body is a mysterious thing.

Judy and Shane still call to talk to her while I hold the phone to her ear. I’ve said it before and I have to say it again…I’m not a big talker so she’s not getting much from me (plus the fact I still bawl like a baby when I try to talk to her) I do try to find music or TV shows I know she likes. I did manage to play three or four songs on my guitar for her yesterday and I read Bev Kaiser’s letter to her twice coz I don’t think she heard any of it the first time.

The RN comes today. I hope it’s Ruth and not Brenda. I kind of bonded with Ruth when she was here last.

After a depressing weekend mom bounced back a little. What a wild ride this is proving to be! Up, down, up down. It would help if I could see around the next corner to anticipate what is coming next.

Have any of you had experience with this? I certainly haven’t and I would appreciate some insight.

The nurses came yesterday, both the RN to check her butt wound and the CNA to give her a bath. They both said I’m doing a good job of keeping her clean and in order which is a big relief to me. Mom even managed a smile when Ruth told her how much she liked the button picture we made.

Now for an important announcement.

Christina would like to invite you to become a blogger here at mommycity.com If you are intimidated by WordPress, don’t be. It’s very user friendly and self explanatory most of the time. It’s free to join, free to blog….come on…share your life!

Yesterday was horrible and today isn’t shaping up to be much better.

I got mom up as usual at 5:30 AM. She was covered with sweat…the first time she’s been hot since she got here. That’s one of the “signs” from the book they gave me, remember? She got up and used the toilet and asked to go to the living room. I wrestled her into her chair and wheeled her out. She couldn’t even drink her coffee without choking. After falling asleep in her wheelchair while sitting at the table, she finally agreed to go back to bed. Since then she’s lost control of her bowels and bladder and has been basically sleeping nonstop, waking up only when we change her diaper or she coughs too hard.

Shane has been a big help. He’s taken the challenge of seeing his mother naked quite well. It’s heartbreaking but we both have managed to buck up and do what has to be done. Rod is supposed to get here sometime today. He’s a nurse so I’m sure it’s all old hat to him.

I have quit answering the phone. Please call Judy if you want an update. I’m too emotional to talk and besides…I hate talking on the phone. When this is all said and done I am cancelling my unlimited long distance and letting the answering machine pick up. Email works much better for me.

A couple of weeks ago mom and I watched an episode of Decorating Cents on HGTV where the trash to treasure segment was about gluing old buttons on things. I dug around for a canvas I had started but wasn’t happy with and set Mary down to dig for flat buttons.

Ok. that was fun…now for the bad news. That may be the last happy picture of Mary Jane.

Mother is fading very fast. We had to call the nurse in again today to look at the one thing mom complains about…her butt (bedsore from sitting too long while she was in Chicago) and she said it could just be a matter of days now. I want you all to know that she doesn’t seem to be in any pain, except her butt, which I thank God for every day. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers please.

I am emotionally and physically exhuasted from my crying jag yesterday. It carried over into the night and I think I cried myself to sleep. I haven’t shed any tears today but I was soooooooooooooooo tired I had to lie down at 11AM when mom did.

After I layed down I had a thought…I knew the phone would ring or someone would come beating on the door. I got up, unplugged the house phone, turned off my cell phone and made two signs for the doors. WE’RE SLEEPING, COME BACK LATER.

I woke up at 1:15 PM. Mom was still asleep. I plugged the phone back in and took the signs off the door.  About 5 minutes later one of my friends from the Kingdom Hall came by with some muffins. After she left mom woke up and I fed her some lunch.

The oxygen people came with a Hoyer lift…haven’t figured it out yet but it will come in handy soon I am sure.

It’s now nice enough that we’re sitting on the porch waiting for a gal from freecycle to come get the bird cage I drug home from the alley two years ago and never did anything with. All is good in MaryJaneville.