If I Told You , You Wouldn’t Believe Me

I need your opnions on some things.

I have a 14 year old stepson, Dakota. He has had a rough life. His mom and dad split up because of mommy’s drug use when he was 2. When he was 5 his dad left Colorado to come back to Illinois to get away from said mommy…he wanted to take the kids with him but his Mother-in-law worked for the Co Springs Police Dept and he was afraid they’d press charges. Mommy had them homeless or living with “friends” after that.  In Dec 2003 mommy got busted manufacturing meth and after a lengthy court battle Jack got custody. Dakota was 9 when he came to live with his dad. His sister Marena lived with him too until about a year and a half ago.

Since we have been in Colorado mommy’s influence is holding sway. Dakota knows in his heart that he is better off here..he has a stable home, we don’t fight or yell at each other, always food available, same school..so on and so forth (Mommy moves constantly, doesn’t think groceries are high on her priority list and screams as a matter of course in everyday conversations, not to mention her arrest record and many court appearances) BUT  his heart belongs to mommy.

I know kids love their moms. I know that. I really do. But what is hurting me is the fact that he is looking at life through her eyes. It’s ok to be evicted. Got fired again? No big deal! It’s ok to break the law, just don’t get caught. It’s ok not to follow judges’ orders. It’s ok to ignore your dad and stepmom….they aren’t your boss.

In light of all this, how would you handle him? I am prone to make excuses for him because of the whole bad childhood thing. Jack says “Hey..we ALL had bad childhoods in one way or another…get over it”

Yes, teenagers are hard to cope with. But shouldn’t he be able to follow 3 or 4 simple directions at a time? Clean your room, put away your clothes, load the dishwasher, take out the trash. He simply can’t (or won’t) do it! He halfway cleans his room, doesn’t put away his clothes, jams things in the dishwasher but doesn’t put in soap (do I have to say that everytime? “Load the dishwasher and put in soap” or after two years should he know to put the soap in? ) The trash lays beside the can instead of in it. The bathroom trash is never emptied. Do I have to say EVERYTIME after 3 years of him doing this chore “Take out the bathroom trash too”. When does it become nagging and not just his chore? If we don’t tell him exactly how to do things they go undone. If we tell him how to do it he gets all pissy with us. Should a 14 year old be able to do these things or are we asking too much?

We have tried a reward system…didn’t help. We don’t exactly punish him over chores but it’s wearing thin…we end up doing what he leaves undone. It is happening everyday now.

I want to make him another list of what needs done but he will probably just ignore it like he did the last one. Jack thinks he’s doing it for spite. If that is the case how would you handle it? HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!